Redeo Creditum Est Canis Femina
by JakeCrown
Summary: How an American pimp conquered the Wizarding world... One trick at a time.
1. Chapter 1

Pt.1 **Redeo Creditum Est Canis Femina**

-000-

I really need to hire someone else to deal with this shit. I used to like Saturdays. The seventh floor north corridor was almost always empty. Right now, it was as full as it had ever been. A 'notice me not' charm on the top of the sixth floor stairs kept the 'curious' away while I conducted business.

"C'mon, Mate I'm desperate here." Ronald Weasley begged. More than a little whining had spewed from his lips in the last couple months.

My eyes rolled. "You pull the same money-grubbing shit every week Weasel." I gestured to the line of blushing and/or cocky 4th-7th year students of various houses standing in line behind him.

"You're holding up the line. Go to the back and have Potter's money ready next time." I said as I turned to the next boy in line. "Two Galleons for return customers, one galleon and unbreakable vow for first timers." I told the Jewish Goldstein kid, holding out my hand.

"This... Ugh... This is my first ugh..." The boy started before I cut him off. "Room three. Dolly will take the vow and provide the service. The girls wear masks, so don't ask for real names. Heres your club card."

I tapped on the door behind me three times. The 'Come and Go' room's door opened. Goldstein walked in and the door shut behind him.

"Well if it isn't my favorite customers." I muttered as the twins made their way up to me. "Three galleons for double-teaming" I said holding my hand out once more.

"Well you see, Forge" Lefty started

"And I are." Righty continued.

I held up my hand for silence before they could continue. My wand made a steady rap against the side of my leg as it does in boredom.

"Gold up-front or back of the line." I said quickly. I am in no mood to put up with the two attention grabbers. "Room six, Big Bessy like regular." I intoned in a bored tone as Lefty forked over more of Potter's Triwizard winnings.

"You're a mercenary." They said together, passing through the door. "And you like spanking twenty five stone bitches now hurry up. If you are not out of here in thirty minutes and I toss you both out the window." They hustled along quicker.

The older Creevy brother came running down the corridor. "Umbridge coming. Two minutes tops." He panted in exhaustion. I opened the room's door.

"Everyone in." I shouted. I waited until the last boy entered the room and entered myself. The boys were all panicking and some looked like they were about to cry.

"I will not go to Azkaban for this!" Smith yelled as he curled his fists into my robes, hysterical. My wand touched his temple and let out a **Bang**. His stunned body rested on the floor. With my wand trained on the prone form, I had to think fast.

"I'm glad you volunteered to take the heat for us, Smith." I told the unconscious teen. "obliviate"

"You've all been issued club identification cards," I took mine out of my pocket. "They double as portkeys, just tap your wand to the card."

I tapped mine and vanished.

You would be surprised how much the house-elves like working. They don't even mind cleaning up after every wizard they 'Gives services to'.

-000-

"The goblin rebellion of 906 was repulsed most strongly by the Saxon Druid rams..." I tuned out the droning and tapped my glasses again with my wand.

Newt level History of Magic was a joke. The Slytherin and Hufflepuff girls of the class on the other-hand... well worth the price of the see-all runes on the glasses. Mad-eye had the runes carved into his glass eye for nearly a year's pay, or so I heard.

I got the runes on my fake glasses for around a weekend's pay.

My transfiguration skills are getting pretty good these days. I can even get the faces of the girls correct now, instead of just the bodies. I glanced around the room at the girls in the class. The recording charm is worth more than gold...

I take that back.

Nothing is better than gold.

Except... perhaps for that recording of Malfoy with a house-elf I had owled to his mother.

-000-

"Listen kid, I've been training you to take over my operations here at Hogwarts for the last four years. I have to make sure you will enforce the rules." I stared into his cold eyes. I'd 'taken in' the butter-soft boy and carved a man of granite.

"When I'm gone, will you be able to enforce the rules?" Dennis 'The Beast' Creevy, nodded.

"What's the first rule?" I asked.

"Get the gold up front." He rasped. A cutting curse had caught him in the larynx last year in a rumble with the 7th year Slytherins.

"Whats the second rule?"

"Get the gold up front" He answered again.

"What happens if you get caught?" I began a Q&A.

"Kill the catcher."

"If you can't kill the catcher?"

"Always have a patsy."

"If a plan fails?"

"Have a backup."

"If the backup fails?"

"Run and deny."

"If someone tries to take over your operations, what do you do?"

"Bring the pain."

I smiled. "I think you are ready."

-000-

As the thestral carriage brought me to the Hogwarts Express for the last time, I knew, Hogwarts was just the beginning...


	2. Chapter 2

Pt. 2

The London Zoo was quiet at 2am. A few animal handlers went about feeding the nocturnal animals while a few rent-a-bobbies patrolled the perimeter.

No one saw as a pink mist entered the Komodo Dragon's cage. No one saw as the eight foot long lizard started to sway. Security cameras caught the Komodo disappearing as the security radioed about a gunshot.

Not even the cameras caught my disillusioned form as it repeated the same procedure in the Gorilla and Tiger enclosures. I was glad to confirm that even animals obeyed the Imperious curse.

I caught an international portkey to Belgium and repeated the actions, at the Antwerp Zoo, the same way I did in London.

After taking a portkey from Belgium to France, I made my last stop at the Paris Zoo.

-000-

"I'm not selling," the stubborn fool refused again. He recognized as I walked in from the 'muggle-side' door. As the only bar in Diagon Alley, it was very important to acquire this place.

"I know. You've refused my generous offers twice now." I grinned at him. "So I'm here to offer you something else."

I slid a small wizard's photo across the bar to Tom. "Thats your wife, isn't it?"

Tom went white as he saw the moving photo of his wife in a compromising position with three gorillas. His face went from white to red. A vein in his temple throbbed as purple and blue took over as the dominant colors in his face.

"What did you-" A silencing charm shut him up before he attracted the attention of the table of aurors on the other side of the room.

"You had your chance to talk and negotiate price, and now you don't. Your wife is under the fidelious charm. Nod, if you know what that is." I whispered to the glaring barkeep.

He nodded. "Well, theres no escape from my wards. Shes' alone, scared, and being ravished by animals as we speak. Now you have two choices, you can quietly follow me out of this dining area and into room twelve upstairs. Or... I apperate away and go join the fun with your wife."

Tom's eyes bulged out out of their sockets in his rage. My skill at the mind arts was moderate, but even then, I could still see he was about to jump across the bar and take decision #2.

"Think about how your wife is feeling right now" I pushed another photo across the bar, this time with tigers. Tom started to tremble with the urge to throttle me.

"Think about your daughter," I slid a new photo across the bar.

I had to follow the barkeep up to room twelve in his haste.

Lesson learned:

Hold a man's wife hostage... you piss him off.

Hold a man's daughter... You got him by the balls.

Especially easy, when you only have to transfigure some house-elf to look like his daughter.

I actually took his wife though. I don't think she wanted to go back to Tom. I think my gorilla 'security system' took a liking to her, too.

-000-

After forcing the inn-keeper into an unbreakable vow, I had some business with a death-eater I had to take care of.

I picked my favorite place to eat as the meeting place. By the time a glamored Greyback sat opposite me, I was on my third ice-cream sundae. He started to sniff in my direction.

"You reek of mudblood." He growled lowly, to not draw attention.

"And you smell like wet dog." Returning insults came as reflex at this point.

Greyback scowled, "talk quick, mudblood. I'm losing my patience."

I finished off the sundae with a burp and just outright told him. "I have a list here of prominent muggle-borns and half-bloods." I tossed a list of ten names across the table.

"So?"

"Take their heads for a hundred galleons, each." I whispered. "Bring them to room three in the Leaky Cauldron and the house-elves will hand over the gold."

"Why would a mudblood want to kill other mudbloods?"

"Does it matter?"

"I don't work for mudbloods."

"You are turning the offer down?"

"Fuck you mubdlood." Greyback spat in my face.

After wiping my cheek with a napkin, I flicked my wand under the table. A tracking charm clung to his boot-laces. "You are going to regret this decision." I spoke.

"The Dark Lord has risen again, everyone knows it," Greyback waved his arm at the hooded and scared people walking through the alley like cows walking through a dragon reserve. "What do you think a mudblood like you can do about it?"

I didn't answer as I rose and dropped a few sickles on the table and turned on the spot, disapperating away.

-000-

Here is what you don't know about Re'em's. Importing them without paying the import tax is a capital crime according to the ministry of magic.

Luckily, a few of the clerks in the 'exceptionally large' tax office were newly graduated from Hogwarts. With low wages and little hope of promotion, they were ever so obliging to filing a few documents for me.

I looked at my watch then glanced around my warehouse. Any moment now.

The roof was enchanted to let daylight to shine through the steel roof. On the outside, my warehouse was a small 4ftx4ft galvanized steel box, with no openings. I was the size of an American football field on the inside. With a layer of dirt and grass on the ground, and sprinklers on the ceiling, it only needed an air freshening charm every couple of days or so to be a self contained environment.

My 'cousin', across the pond, works at a re'em ranch in Texas and may have put a few small stickers on a few re'em's ear-tags.

As re'em started appearing in my expanded warehouse, I began to fire Imperious curses into all ten re'ems. After everything was settled, I portkeyed a fat sack of gold back across the pond. The answer came as a Mexican witch portkeyed in from central America.

"My favorite mal-hombre!" she exclaimed as she saw me. With eyes as black as her heart and long and silky black hair, she was the image of Aztec perfection. Covered in gold and turquoise, you could tell her social status.

"Dona Juana," I smiled. "Good to see you again." I bowed at the waist.

After sharing some gossip, we got down to business.

"So, why do you need help from my cartel? Hmm? These Islanders have always been weak." She asked. After the British wizards tried to pull a 'Cortez' on the Aztec Wizarding world in the early 1600s, American wizards lost all respect for white wizards.

How can you respect the wizards that only made it two steps into the jungle before... Well there are worse things than cannibals on the Amazon river.

"There's no sicarios, here." I explained. "Even the werewolves are following this Voldemort fad. It's interrupting business at every level. Alcohol sales are at an all time high, but thats chump-change compared to the earnings I could be making."

She nodded. "I can understand that. Every enterprise needs sicarios. How many do you need?"

"Your men?" She nodded again.

"If they are yours, fifty should do it." Her eyebrows raised at my statement.

"So few?"

"These aren't Americans I'm dealing with."

"True"

-000-


End file.
